On the day of my mom's memorial someone came up to me and said, "Do you think when you go home you'll be able to stop being fake?"
I looked up at her and just stared into her callous eyes.
Fake?... I thought to myself.
Fake....? This time I screamed it in my head.
I gathered my self mentally and replied with a gracious answer and then quickly left.
That conversation stuck with me the whole night though and left me with another question.
How am I supposed to respond to my mother dying? What should I feel and how should I let those feelings out?
You know, I do not know the answer. In fact, I am not sure we can ever truly know the answer to such questions because the pain is so deep, so out of our control, that our responses follow suit.
Grief is a mysterious journey.
I had a lot of control while I was back home with my family - caring for and dealing with my mother's passing. That was the emotion I felt. Control.
On the day of her memorial I felt a lot of joy as my mind feasted on her new reality.
Now that I am home, I cannot look at photos of her because of the pain it causes me.
Next week - who knows..
Grief is not something we can measure, calculate, or judge in others. We simply walk it out and try our best to honor God with the little bit of strength we have in the moment.
In a world that demands understanding and instant relief, I know this may not be an acceptable reality
But for me, it is perfect.
I hurt, everyday- in different ways - everyday. I trust God in this place and am seeking to daily honor him through obedience in the midst of this suffering. I don't understand a lot - like why am I obsessed with cleaning all of our bedding in hot water every week?....OR why does the taste of iced coffee make me want to throw up suddenly... OR Why do I peel a potato and burst out into tears?... Or a million other types of mysterious behaviors I have adopted over the last few months..
I don't understand.
So, I get really still and quiet and wait on the one who understands all things. He is my comfort and help and his word is my lamp and guide.
Some call it fake.....
I call it wise.