This evening I had a conversation with my daughter that sort of hurt me a bit.
The question was raised -
Do I become a mom of many and be stressed out all of the time
Do I have a career and get to have the things I want and be happy and possibly not have any kids...
She's eight by the way, why on earth is she wrestling with this right now.
I paused for a bit, trying so hard to hide my wounds and to just set my eyes on her purity.
I then gave her this passionless speech about creating and building life being our job in this life and how that may take on different forms throughout the many seasons of her life - that the main goal is to love God and make him great in every area of her life.....ya ya ya...
But when I went to bed, my heart was not trusting in that truth. It was hurting because this labor of love does not seem to be translating well. Instead, it looks more like a painful hike up a never ending mountain surrounded by giant beasts who at any moment could rip everyone's head off.
And it's steep.
And I am supposed to keep smiling.
I decided to let the conversation be and to lay my hurt down at the feet of Jesus - trusting that in my great weakness to consistently make motherhood look like a cakewalk to my kids - God will rise up and make himself ENORMOUS in their hearts. HE will be strong in my weakness.
And I prayed for joy. Great Big Life-Giving Joy in the midst of this labor.
Because contrary to social media - it isn't always joy filled and adventurous.
It's hard and I am fighting to keep my head above water.
I have so much to learn right now. Grateful for these precious children and all the ways their little lives challenge and expose areas of my heart which are dark and selfish. I am grateful for the wounds they inflict upon me because they cause me to run to the one true Savior for peace and wisdom. And this love. This huge, mind blowing love I have for them.... It causes me to trust God more, to heal faster, and to fight harder. God knew what he was doing!